My oncology appointment haunted the back of my brain. It’s presence represents a shadowy fear that threatens to materialize. Between appointments every six months, I eat like all of my fellow cancer friends; whole grains, vegetables, very little meat, little or no alcohol, green juice, no sweets, no plastic storage containers. The list goes on and on. There is a sense of empowerment with all of these rules, all of this food knowledge. Then my blood is tested and I have that moment of fear and sheer doubt. What will my blood say? I know I don’t understand the science of cancer and my efforts may just be a paper sword in the fight. Still, I can’t help but try.
This afternoon was my big meeting. We sat and reviewed my health, reviewed my plan and then at the end my doctor says, “Well, this is our last meeting.” I look at her confused. She says, “You’re going over to the Survivorship Group. You’re too healthy for me to be seeing you. I only see sick patients” I’m in shock and my face shows it. She continues, “Don’t worry, I’ll still monitor your tests but it’s time for you to move on to our nurse practitioners. Don’t take this the wrong way but I hope I never have to see you again.” I look at her and laugh, “I hope I never have to see you again too.” We hug and I’m not sure what to do. It’s like the first time I ever rode a bicycle. My dad and I had been practicing up and down the road. He ran beside me holding the seat and I was wobbling all over the place. Then one day I felt him let go of the seat, my body understood how to balance and I took off. I still wobbled but the rush of that moment knowing I could do it and yet still unsure as to how to even stop never left me. I felt that rush again today. I can’t stop smiling. My body seems balanced again. I still have to go for my yearly meetings, my arm will always have to be watched and I’ll still feel the fear but as of today I was declared “too healthy”. I will take that diagnosis any day of the week and I wish that for all of you out there in the fight. You have no idea how much I wish it for you because there are no sweeter words than those that I heard today. “You’re too healthy.” I replay them in my head over and over.
Tonight I was going to write about resolutions but instead I’m going to wish you a Happy New Year. May something as wonderful and as out of the blue happen to you as it did for me today.
In case you’re wondering, I’m still smiling.